You're Under Arrest by the Fashion Police

If you're trying to dress to get some of that long overdue respect, here are some pointers for a Roman prelate under the gun.

Oh Dear Cardinal Burke, Down in the dumps are you? I know you’re about to lose your papal stipend and get kicked out of your groovy Roman digs, but this looks like you decamped to Motel 6. Going on social media to create some sympathy as the beleaguered ecclesiastic sad face of the ancient Knights of Malta and whip up your equally dubious supporters? This will never do. Here are some tips from the Vatican’s fashion police.

Try to look the part. 

Gather around you bright young people who seem enthusiastic about the message of the Lord. 

Make sure your acolytes have had proper sleep and can pay attention to what they’re doing instead of making sure that all their pleats line up correctly. 

Let them look you in the face instead trying to avoid eye contact as if they spent all night playing with themselves, alone or with others.

You’ve included hats for any eventuality. I count three. They’re all terrible.

Be color coordinated, but that green has got to go. And what’s with mother’s mittens?

If you were a posing for Gary Larson’s Farside instead of filing dubia in favor of the deposit of faith this might pass, but let’s face it honey, go back to 1869 and play kissy face with Pius 9. You need cheering up.

Respectfully submitted, your faithful Fashion Police