This is of course a massive exaggeration. I had been visiting in Silver Lake with my friend Jack Pelton but he had to go to Portland to be with his nephew who was undergoing a very painful surgery for a young man, and there I was. Jack’s company rented revolving stages for movie shoots, and he’d sold one to a production outfit at Universal Studios where I had my encounter with the incredibly huge and expensive technical side of the film industry. It was my entrance to a real Hollywood sound stage.
Let me backup a minute. It had to be sometime in 1993. Michael Jackson had just been publicly accused of having sexual relations with underaged boys. Overnight he’d become poison, but he was also a huge star. Francis Ford Coppola’s 3D Imax movie, Dr. EO had been playing to full houses in Disney’s Epcot Center for almost a decade. A massive hit and huge money maker. But what to do when rumors and fierce public opinion emerged, and you have a sex offender of the most heinous sort cavorting in iMax 3D making no bones about wiggling his pelvis? You rush out a replacement as fast as you can.
Enter “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids,” or honey I blew up the kids. There were two versions. Sure to be another fantastic hit though I find the whole premise macabre--a nutty professor is working on a wonky machine in his attic and accidentally shrinks his kids to a miniscule size where ants prey on them in the front lawn, and rats accidentally fed into a copy machine chase them till everybody is scared shitless. In real life the wonky film technology has been perfected to make ants and rats jump off the screen and scare the be-Jesus out of ordinary middleclass white Americans venturing out of suburbia for a day of relaxation and adventure in the wholesome way Walt promised. It’s Hollywood so what the hell. We are all about avoiding any real conversation about child abuse so confront the topic head on, shrink and torture a few cute white kids due to the half-brained idiocy of one of their parents. Makes perfect sense, and I get a gig working the shoot.
The call was 6:30 AM. I had to stop and get something for the revolving stage, I think it was a full set of new Phillips Head screwdrivers so that Jack’s computer guy could fix whatever crisis came his way and keep the producers happy. I set out for Baller Hardware which opened at 5 A.M.. A good omen for the day--rushing to the tool section, I literally almost bump into Martina Navratilova in Fasteners. Forgetting the unwritten rule to avoid making a big deal about running into one of your favorite gay celebrities equipping herself for a day of DIY at her Hollywood mansion at five thirty in the morning, I smile broadly and wave hi. She waves back with an equally bright smile. This is Hollywood, real star encounters, and she is as wonderful in real life as I imagined.
I get to the Universal lot, find parking and make the call. Now this is going to take a bit more explanation, Jack has pulled some strings and I am actually going to make a few hundred dollars that day. I will be tending rats. Really. I will be a Rat Wrangler. In Hollywood lingo a “wrangler" is the person who tends to animals on the set. In rodeos the wrangler coaxed bulls into the pen before the cowboy or cowgirl rode them bareback till they were thrown off. On a movie set they kept the horses calm until the Lone Ranger and Tonto needed to ride off into the sunset or gallop to a gun fight. Hollywood code stipulates that there can be no more than 5 animals per wrangler. So for the scene that we were filming, a hundred or so rats exploding out of the copy machine, there were about 20 wranglers sitting on hard folding chairs, each tending five white rats in cages until the director said lights, action, release the rats.
This took a while. Rats, even clean and groomed Hollywood rats do not respond well to commands. I think it was 12 hours for them to cleanly fall out of the carefully engineered copy machine with some clear plastic tubes against the blue background which would accommodate some kids who are confused and scared shitless. I don’t remember much. I wish I’d brought a book but alas there was no book section at Smart and Final Hardware. No talking allowed, but the catered food for the crew was fabulous. I mean really spectacular. No greasy food truck. Bagels and lox till 9, sandwiches and salad for lunch and a full course dinner. The pay was more than I made for any day in that whole decade. I think close to 40 bucks an hour for sitting with a small metal cage at my side. My only real complaint was the fold up metal chair.
When Michael died in 2009, Disney returned a remastered Dr. EO to the screens at Epcot. Better to cash in for big bucks. The attention span for accusations of sex abuse is about 10 years so he’d served his time. Time to rid the world of fanciful child abuse by shrinking kids for white rats to threaten them.
I found a short clip of my day's work on YouTube. https://youtu.be/rRdzBtE2mQU, The bit with the white rats and copy machine starts at 2:30. One full day for a split second. That's Hollywood.
No comments:
Post a Comment